courage

hello readers

I have been dealing with fibromyalgia for 8 and a half years. I have just started talking openly about my illness ,only to some , usually when someone asks whats wrong i say nothing . I have watched lots of videos on you tube and i have to say" wow great job , I am not brave enough yet for that , i feel embarrassed to say how i feel ,righting about it is different, there is no emotion attached to it. Sometimes i get upset and start naming off all my symptoms and then wonder why i am here. My whole life has been a long hard battle and i get so tired i still cant believe that this is real and keep searching for answers .The more i here others talk about what they feel the more i understand . Thinking back in my younger years i see the things i have done and the things i allowed others to do to me i cant help but think that i deserve this and look forward to day when i close my eyes and i dont have open them any more then the four people that are in my life dont have to waist there time thinking about me anymore .I cant just up and disappear at this time for my son but soon, the future is grim .I would like to visually post a video and show the world how i feel when i gain the courage.